there and back again

I am a huge fan of the written word.  And as the author of this blog I take sole responsibility for what is written here.  And when I put my words out there, I own them. My name is on them. My email is attached to this blog, my name is in the title.  I do not hide behind a pseudonym or an alias. I tell it like I would if we were sitting face to face.  And I am not ashamed.

When Carter was born we lived in Delaware, about 20 minutes south of Philadelphia.  I loved the city and the proximity we were to to both New York and DC.  We took Carter everywhere with us.  And since JaDee traveled with his job quite a bit, I used the frequent flyer miles to put a baby on my lap and head to Wyoming or Texas, where my parents were at the time.  We were alone but I had a great group of friends to help me survive.

Then one day JaDee’s dad called us out of the blue.  Which if you know this man you know he never calls unless it is really really important.  He called to tell us that we needed to move home. It wasn’t like the extended family needed us, it was more that he knew we needed them.

So JaDee put out resumes and phone calls and networked and came up with nothing.

We quit his job, packed up a truck and his dad came and helped drive it to the farm where we were going to set up shop and try to find a job again. JaDee and I spent the summer working on the farm spraying almost 1000+ acres of sugar  beats, mowing another 1000 acres of hay, irrigating, and chasing cows.  I was enrolled to go back to school o we eventually moved back to Provo and JaDee found a job in Ogden. Eventually from there, we moved to Perry, which was our home for almost 10 years.

And we did need our extended family.  My kids have grown up with a major support group of cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I was able to re-connect with my own cousins as adults where once we were just kids at reunions every 3 years.  My siblings and siblings in law are a tight bunch of people who love and cherish each other. And we are pretty darn funny.

Likewise I have always had a great friend base.  I have been friends with some people for almost 30 years now.  In Perry,  have friends who are older than my own mother and friends who I once taught in Sunday School and babysat my children.  We lived in one place for 10 years. That is some roots and I thought we would die there. I even had my boy’s spouses picked out!

So imagine my surprise when we prayed and felt it was the right decision to come to Alaska.  And not only to come but to stay.  To make this our home where our kids finish growing up.  To put down new roots and entrench ourselves here thousands of miles from our family and going at life on our own. Every holiday we spend on the phone as loved ones have gathered without us. Every birthday is a card in the mail and not a hug or a kiss from a grandparent.

I know it is right for us to be here.

But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

So I blog.

I write for my sisters, my family, my friends of almost 30 years that I grew up with, and the ones I went to college with, and the ones I raised my babies with, and the mother who doesn’t see me, and mother in law who works so hard its hard to reach her to talk, and the brother 5 time zones away who is also hard to connect with, and the sister having her babies without me and needing me to help melt cheese in the microwave, and the old guard of Perry, and the best friend from high school and the old friends from seminary, and my BYU roommates. Etc. Etc.

All of which I want to put a piece of myself out there for so they can connect to me in the wee hours of the night when they are up with their own babies, or insomnia. Or for my mother in law before work, or for my cousin while she rides the train in to Salt Lake, or any other time they would like to reach out and feel like I am with them again; sitting next to them or on the phone when it isn’t 6 AM here and almost lunchtime there. And for them to remember the days when it didn’t cost $5000 for me to steal a few moments with them and have a chance to dish about life, the good, the funny, and the crazy of it all.  My personality is infused in every word; every phrase is how I would tell a story in person and have told in person. Every bit of humor, bit of love (always love), and every bit of the brash and overly extroverted Nicole they know and love.

For I am loved.

Of course someone could misconstrue what I say. Of course a story can be told out context and made to sound hurtful and mean.  Don’t you think I don’t know that?  Don’t you think that I consider it before hitting “publish?”  Don’t you think I review and edit everything I have ever written? I do. 

But this blog is my perception. My feelings. My take on life.  My crazy, life. It’s not fair to me to have to portray something as rosy when it wasn’t.  Or to portray something as calm when it is really chaos. To make my kids look perfect, or my house, or to feel like I have to say my mood is always good.

Because those that love me expect that honesty from me.

I expect it from myself. 

I recently had a conversation with my esteemed psychologist sister in law (who reads at the wee hours of the night after all her kids’ Calculus is done).  In this conversation she compared the blogs of today, to the soap operas of our mothers and grandmothers generations. Heck my generation (come on Monica, Laura and Karen, how many summers did we spend watching Days of Our Lives and Guiding Light?).  We watched them for the drama and the chance to peak in on somebody’s life.  A life not our own. An escape.

If that is why you read here: Quit.  Remember, I don’t write for you. And quit referring others to my blog if you don’t approve. I actually just did this myself when a blog I had been following got so annoying to me that I found myself thinking about it all the time. It’s a well known blog in mormonland and I even had a button to link you to it on my sidebar.  I quit reading it and took the link off so not only would I not be tempted to peak in and get caught up in my dramatic thoughts over what was posted that day, but so other people did not think I endorsed it and what it said.

And why don’t I go private?  I almost did when I had a stalker on facebook.  Oh you didn’t know that? Well I did.  An old friend wasn’t so friendly anymore and so I tightened up security both here and there and watch my traffic feed like a hawk.  But if I went private, my not so techno savvy relatives would be lost.  My mother would never figure out how to hit reply to an email invite and my sister in law who gets on every 3 or 4 months and does one big catch up and then cries because she misses us would lose the password and need a new invite and I would forget to email her and then she would miss Olivia’s birthday pictures. My mother in law’s carefully placed bookmark on her tools tab would quit working.

And being 5000 miles away from them I can’t just run over and set it up for them.

So I blog.

the one you have been waiting for

The dead walrus on the beach of the Bering Sea in Nome.  

Happy Monday!

PS- He was most likely poached out at sea for his ivory and for his *ahem* male parts and washed up on shore here already dead.

hi-lo

This past weekend I went to Nome. I promise I will get pictures on this post soon but I may hit publish before I do that right away...check back...

...and while we were there we got to have dinner at a family's home and played the game hi-lo.  Someone starts the game at the dinner table by calling on someone to give their HIGH points of the day and their LOW points of the day.  And the trick to calling on someone is to often catch them with their mouth full :)  So for example, at my house, while Ethan would be chewing because it would be funny, I would say, "Ethan, give me your hi-lo's for today."

So here are my hi-lo's as of late:

Highs:
- going to Nome with Vicky and Sarah
     *this included seeing a dead walrus (I may need a new counter Meredith;)
      *meeting, having dinner with, and getting my picture taken with real gold miners, one of which will be starring on a series produced by the Deadliest Catch people about dredging for gold in the Bering Sea.
     * learning how to roll my own sushi
     * the beyond fabulous people there who I love and getting to have a fabulous Super Saturday with them and attending Church on Sunday.
   
Lows:
- getting home at 11:30 Sunday night and feeling sick Monday morning
- Still feeling sick Tuesday morning and thinking this is the longest I have had cramps since I was like 16.
-Realizing at 3 PM these are not in fact, regular cramps but have turned into excruciating back pain on my left side and I can hardly breath therefore it is probably a kidney infection, since I thought I might have had a UTI last week but also thought went a way
-Confirming said kidney infection and having the doctor tell you that with your results you should have been in a lot more pain than this by now.

So last night was a treat for all involved.  But I am better.  In fact I woke up at 4 AM not because I felt worse like I was warned about and told to report immediately to the hospital if I did feel worse at all in the night, but because I felt better and was so happy I couldn't go back to sleep and decided to make a day of it and blog.

I am expecting another Low later this afternoon.

a whiff

I stepped into my downstairs bathroom today and smelled the sweet smell of....bleach.

Bet you thought I was going to say something else, right?

It is from those toilet flush tablet thingies that keep me from growing mold around the edge of the bowl between cleanings...And they give off the slightest hint of bleach in the small powder room who's door is mostly kept closed all day.

I love that smell.  And as I turned in an order for a Scentsy party that I am going to miss this weekend since I will be in NOME I got to thinking about all the things I love to smell.  So here they are in no particular order.

12. Evergreens; specifically the one we chop down every year for our Christmas tree. We cut off a circle from the trunk, I write the year on it and we keep them all in an old holiday popcorn tin.  Every year we open that tin and smell all of our Christmases past.  But the first few days after it is home are the best. When I am laboring on our 1700 lights that get wrapped around each branch, even my hands smell like evergreen as the sap gets all over me and the needles scratch my skin. And don't forget the first time you turn on the vacuum again after you have thrown out the tree and cleaned up all the needles gives you the faintest whiff of evergreen too.

11. Hot tar. Be it on a roof, a road or a driveway, I love it.

10.  Permanent markers.  I simply cannot uncap a Sharpie without sniffing it first.  I probably look like an OCD sufferer or someone with a twitch when I do this, but I love that smell. However, I am very careful not to get it on my nose.

9.  Bread.  Why doesn't Scentsy come up with something like that?

8.  Gasoline.  I don't like, huff the gas tank or anything, but I do like the whiff of it as I am filling up every week.

7.  Lilacs.  But only the flowers...I hate anything artificially scented lilac.

6.  Lavender.  I miss my HUGE bushes of this I had in Utah.  I am hoping to plant some here and see how they do.  I loved to weed my flower beds in our old house just to get in and work in those bushes.  Mmmm.  I spent a small fortune in sachets and things at the farmers market in Salt Lake this summer. The best Lavender ever, though, is in Washington.  Pike's Place Market has stalls and stalls of different vendors and I once was the proud owner of the best lotion ever that smelled divine, but I lost the jar after it was empty.

5.  Newborn baby heads. I have often wondered why they smell the way they do. Is it the smell of heaven or just the smell of old placenta that takes a little while to wear off?

4.  Inside of a jack-o-lantern right before you scoop the guts out to carve it.  And I like to eat the seeds raw and slightly slimy.  Cooked and salted are good too but I still sneak a few, fresh from the guts of the pumpkin.

3.  The seashore.  Salty air, decaying seaweed, sand and fish.

2. Alaska.  I tell you the air is cleaner up here.  Ethan commented on our trip to Utah this summer that he missed how it smells up here.  Even in the dead of winter it just smells fresh!

1. Fall.  I love dead leaves and crisp air. I love this smell even more than the smell of mowed lawns in the summer.

And here are a few other smelly things to note:

Current perfume: Pink Sugar...I am told I smell like cupcakes.
Favorite guy cologne: Oh how Polo and Eternity take me back, but I also like Hugo, and one of the Burberry ones... my brother has it...
Current shower gel: Body shop; Coconut
Favorite Scentsy: Cinnamon Cider and Spiced Grapefruit
Favorite Bath and Body Works: Coconut, Lime, Verbena; Kitchen Lemon and anything grapefruit

And things I hate to smell?  Sewer, puke, old garbage, and dog breath.

but he is ever so cute!

Buckwheat sees the world! As we head up to Mt. McKinley with my mom, Buckwheat gets to come too.

And he got to go camping with us!

Back in May we offered to dog sit for six months for my friend Jayci.  She and her husband had to go to a temporary assignment that did not allow dogs at thier living quarters so she needed a home for her Schnauzer/Yorki mix (aka Snorki), named Buckwheat.

We did it for a variety of reasons. One was because my kids have always wanted a little dog and I kinda did too...I must have been feeling some sort of mothering void in anticipation of Olivia going to Kindergarten....  and ever since Champ chewed Ethan's favorite pair of cowboy boots 6 or 7 years ago, he has held a grudge against the giant slobbery canine we already share a home with and had a romantic idea that a little dog of his own would heal that grudge.

The other reason is it was really no big deal.  Really, it is no big deal and even after everything you read it, is still seriously no big deal (Jayci, that means you, seriously. No.Big.Deal.).  Life is messy, busy and fun and in all honesty, Buckwheat has done nothing but add to what is already great and wonderful in our house. In spite of everything I blog about and all of the foibles of life that keep me from my magazine page looking house and shaved legs, I sort of like the crazy that seems to find me everywhere I look. When I really take a moment to sit back and look at my crazy, I am happy...and then I blog about it ;)

While Buckwheat is adorable, he is a quirky little guy.  First up he only likes me.  Seriously. He follows only me around all day. In the kitchen, on the couch watching TV, on the floor by my bed (or in my bed when I am not home, thanks to the little dog hairs he leaves behind on my pillow I figured that out). If anyone besides me tries to put him out to go potty he runs and hides under the bed or yelps like his leg is getting bit off by an alligator if they grab him.

It is actually kind of funny to watch him follow me.  For instance, the morning dash out the door is ever so much more comical with the little black fuzzball at my feet.  Done getting dressed, walk two feet out the bedroom door and remember phone. Turn abruptly and almost trip on Buckwheat as I head back in. Get halfway down the stairs and forget sunglasses. Turn and almost trip on Buckwheat again as I go back to my room. Get all the way downstairs stop, so does Buckwheat, and tries to lick my face as I am down on his level while I and get shoes. Forgot to turn off bedroom light so run back upstairs with Buckwheat happily prancing after me...

You get the idea and Buckwheat is there every step I take. I am beginning to think I wear a dog collar with all the jingling of dog tags that surrounds me these days!

Second wierd thing: He only eats if I am in the kitchen with him.  Seriously.  So twice a day I give him a scoop of food and he eats mostly out of his bowl now. He used to take a few pieces out at time and hide under the dining table and eat them. I am not sure I am cut out for a constant companion like this. It is sickeningly reminiscent of having a newborn...you know, being his only source of food and all.

Third, he annoys my cats and they likewise, stand outside of the glass door and taunt him.  He goes nuts until the door actually opens and then he gives them a wide berth.  He is smaller than both of them, after all. But he loves Champ. Actually maybe a little to much.  Shortly after Buckwheat arrived we heard a new bark from Champ. Its the I'm-Not-Gay-Bark as Buckwheat tries to hump his leg.  That and a few nips at Buckwheat has curbed that behavior and also sparked a lesson on the birds and the bees with Ethan (Its OK, 10 is when I told Carter too...)

Fourth, he revenge poops.  When he doesn't get his walk or if he feels he is left alone too many days in a row he poops in the house. Luckily it has all been on the hard floor and is the size of tootsie rolls (I am afraid I may never eat those again). To solve this, Buckwheat gets to spend time in solitary confinement (aka Champ's giant dog crate) while I am gone, or he gets to ride with me on errand days and is happy in the car.

Fifth, he also loves salmon and will dig through my garbage to lick up bits left on paper plates.  It is also the only thing that will entice him to leave my room at night and trot downstairs for a foray through the garbage.

Sixth, all dogs shed or I don't vacuum enough.  I am sure I could vacuum more, but I don't need any more hair in my house.

Buckwheat has, however, won JaDee over.  JaDee has taken to calling him Bucko, Buckaroo, or even Bingo.  But most often he calls Buckwheat, Useful Dog.  His usefulness is compounded by the fact that I do not want a little dog anymore.

Buckwheat is a great snuggler though. He loves to be behind my legs on the couch. He is ever so glad to see me when I come home. Once when I was gone for a long day and JaDee and the kids were home, they hardly saw Buckwheat as he moped under my bed. Until he heard the garage door open and he bolted down the stairs and jumped up almost high enough to lick my face.

He also smiles this crazy grin and begs for his little bone to chew everynight.

But the funniest is the Shivers. He never jumps up on the couch with me unless he "asks." To ask he props up on his hind legs and gives me the big puppy eyes and starts to shiver.  The first time I saw this my heart melted and I said "Oh, JaDee, he's cold! Let him up here with us."

Ever the logical JaDee said, "No he's not. Look." JaDee reached down to pet him and instantly Buckwheat stopped shivering. When JaDee stopped petting him, the shivers started back up again. So every night when Buckwheat starts to shiver, I know he is asking for pets and snuggles. But if he was really smart he would have attached himself to Olivia who wants nothing more than to mother Buckwheat to death. As a result, Buckwheat is terrified of her and runs for cover whenever he senses a tea party or hair bows nearby.

All in all he has been a delightful house guest.  My kids love him and will be sad to see him go in November.
And even sadder that we don't get a replacement puppy.  I just don't have the time to make the kind of commitment a little dog needs.

We love you Bucko Buckaroo!

ma mere

Its nice after your visitors leave to be able to rummage through your laundry looking for underwear in the upstairs hall totally naked...

Not that I did that or anything today after my mom left from her week with us.

Not that I would ever do that...I'm just saying it's nice to be able to if you wanted too...

Anyway we had a great time with my mom on her first trip to Alaska. The best part actually came about an hour before she left when she told us that while Ben was showing her Maine a couple of weeks ago on her visit to his house, he said, "I bet Nicole is going to try to top this."

What Mom didn't say was, "Well of course, Ben. It is Alaska after all."
What the good mother that she is said was, "I didn't know it was a contest!"

What dear mother's everywhere ought to know by now is that it is ALWAYS a contest amongst siblings.

Here are the highlights (of which I won):

Northern Lights
Mt. McKinley
Carter's high school debut as Young Rip in the play Rip Van Winkle
Seward Sea Life Center
Kenai Peninsula
Fall foliage
Lots of lunches out
Grandkids of which I am the proud owner of 3/4 of those and in which Ben has none.

All documented with our camera we recently got replaced...free of charge :)

ps- I love you Ben!

but Alaska will always top Maine...just sayin'