half way there

On the right is Bridger's picture and its link to his blog. He is in the hospital now, going through an intense 10 day chemo regiment before his bone marrow transplant. I am a little emotional after reading all that this nephew of mine is going through all the way in Dallas while I am in Anchorage.

There are close to 6000 miles between us.

While I have been folding laundry, hosting a playdate, and getting ready for a date with JaDee, Little Bridger is getting poison pumped into him that is so toxic his mother has to wear gloves to take him to the bathroom to avoid getting any of it on her. He has been puking since noon Central Daylight Time, and I have been eating strawberries smeared with Nutella.

Kind of surreal.

And all we can do is pray.

But sometimes prayer is enough. Our Heavenly Father hears us and Jana and Blake and Bridger feel our love through prayers of their own. The Holy Ghost is providing comfort, peace, and strength for them as they watch Bridger fight for his life. The positive attitude this little boy has is remarkable. He says he loves this hospital because of all his new nurse friends. He can still smile for the camera even as he loses all color to his faces and pukes his bacon from breakfast.

He is strong enough to fight this crazy disease that renders him unable to fight off the very bacteria that is probably living on this keyboard of mine right now.

And so as I feel panicked, afraid, and helpless here in Alaska, I too will pray for him and for my own peace that what I am doing is enough.

I can't believe its gone

A popular gift at Mormon Utah wedding receptions 13 years ago was an electric hand mixer from a nationwide chain that may or may not rhyme with All-fart. It probably cost about $5. And keeping up with wedding gifts everywhere we got ours.

Shortly after moving into our apartment in Provo our landlords/neighbors asked to borrow it.

I pause here to tell you a little about these people and our apartment. It was in one of those once stately homes which had been chopped up into many apartments that can be found all over South-of-Campus-Provo. In our case there were 3. Our 2 bedroom, the landlord's main 3(?) bedroom and a studio in the back. We all shared a laundry on the side of the house. In order for our landlord's family to access this laundry room, they had to walk by our 2 very tall living room windows that overlooked the alley and the scary basement steps. Pay attention. Not only is there a quiz later but this is important detail.

Our landlords had 5 kids. He was the custodian for our church building and she was a stay at home mom. The kids were cute enough, if you could see them under the layers of dirt constantly on them, but annoying.

In particular was the second youngest boy. He could make himself puke on command. Which he did. In the alley outside our windows over the railing to the scary basement steps.

And they all woke up really early on Saturday mornings and watched cartoons really loud.

And their Jack Russel mix dog was the yappiest thing ever. JaDee once threatened the kids to bring his own dog (Sasha the temperamental Malamute) to come eat it.

Now our apartment was a real thing of beauty. Remember how the Land Lord Man was a church custodian. Well our apartment was carpeted with scraps of extra chapel fabric. You remember in the late 70s and early 80s when everything was orange? That was what we had in our whole apartment. Including the very steep, very old stairs, but not exactly tacked on tight so if your whole foot went down on a stair tread you would slide off the loose carpet at the back and then slide all the way down.

The stairs were so steep, in fact and so close to the over head ceiling that a queen box spring wouldn't fit up the stairs. So we bought a king. And while the split box springs fit, the mattress did not. So we put the bed in storage and slept on a feather bed on the floor. From July-December 1996.

Now the bathroom. It was a lovely shade of mauve. Of course it was. Wasn't that the obvious choice for a home already blanketed in orange carpet.

Oh and the tub did not have a shower or a spigot. It was a pipe coming out of the back of the tub that shot straight out the other end. JaDee rigged some copper pipe and a shower head to make us a shower.

So when our neighbors asked to borrow our $5 mixer it was with some hesitation that I parted with it. And rightfully so. It came back splatter with caked-on-something and smelled not all that faintly of ozone. It was also a tad hot to the touch. I hadn't even used it yet.

"Sorry." the landlady tells me. "We were making fudge and it got a little hot."

Really? I wonder to myself, and take back my baked mixer.

But it has worked fine ever since. As long as you don't mind the constant speed from level 1-4 with gradual speeding up all on its own like an appliance possessed. Without fail, every time it came out of the cupboard we recalled that time 13 years ago and laugh at the story of the fudge making neighbors and the whole situation we were in as young and married and poor. And for 13 years that $5 mixer has held on.

Until today.

While making frosting it stopped and started to smoke. Hmmm, I thought. This can't be good. I let it cool off for a bit and tried again. Nothing. The old thing had gave up the ghost.

And so I chucked it. But not without calling JaDee and letting him know that our beloved totem of times past had in fact, passed. We chuckled about the neighbors of old and the other time it got a little hot.

I will be going to that store that may or may not rhyme with All-fart tomorrow in search of another $5 dollar mixer (what are my chances of finding one at that price these days and especially in Alaska).

And we will probably still talk about the old one every time we use it.

Another cool Alaska thing

For Olivia's first birthday we got her this Fairy house shaped like a spotted mushroom. She started playing with it shortly after she turned 1 and has loved it ever since.

And now look what we have in our backyard!











We have been on the lookout for fairies every day. And with my reading Fablehaven to Ethan, we are in especially magical times!

Look carefully! I think I see one!

Do you do this?

We have too many toys. And too many of them have little useless pieces that end up all over the house. We have Nerf darts, Barbie brushes, magnetics, plastic dinosaurs, star wars guys guns etc. etc.

No one picks them up but me.

While I enjoy a good workout, running around the house finding and putting away itty bitty pieces is not what I am looking for.

So I started throwing them out.

But I have a secret strategy to getting away with it. Because if anyone sees it on the top of the trash it immediately gets rescued and thus, back on the floor. My solution has been to use the laundry room trash. Or in my case, the laundry closet trash.

The trashcan sits on top of the dryer for lint and used Bounce sheets and none of the kids can see up that high therefore nothing gets "rescued."

I feel bad sometimes. Not all the time but sometimes. occasionally Olivia or Ethan ask, "Where did so-in-so go?" I answer with a vague, "I don't know. Go look in your room" While knowing all along that I chucked the very object they are searching for. But I don't want to get caught and then deal with the ensuing tantrum and tears that will follow. So I lie.

Most of the time this works. Is it really a lie though. I really don't know where these objsects I dispose of end up. And once they get to their room they forget what it was they were looking for and find something else. However, sometimes, the search continues. For a whole afternoon or even days. And then they want me to help. And finally I crater to the pressure to confess and tell them I "might" have thrown it out. Not knowing, of course, what it was and it was most definitely an accident. I just keep playing the scatter brained mom who doesn't know Chewbacca's gun from a bit of dirt and plead my "maybe" case.

It pacifies them and helps them deal with the fact that their search might be futile and I come sweeping to the rescue with a great substitute that is even more fun to play with than the original and all is well.

Until the substitute gets left on the floor and it too, finds itself in the trash on top of the dryer.

its coming

I cleaned the garage a couple of weeks ago. It was the end of July actually and all I could think about was parking my car in it again this winter.

And not looking forward to it.

Then yesterday we went to Girdwood in search of berries for one last outing on the last day of summer vacation. We didn't come home with much but we had a good time, just me and the kids.

And then I saw this:


What the heck! Changing leaves! I don't know if I can do this! It was dark, and cold and snowy when we moved here. And thinking about it gives me anxiety. I don't know if it anxiety about the weather or if it was associated with remembering our first few weeks here (they were awful. Check out all of January '09 in the archives if you don't believe me).

But in other news, I went to this clothing exchange our stake sponsors every year. It was almost as good as the Vail Valley rummage sale when I found brand new red Dansko sandals for $3. The clothing exchange was FREE! I got a super cute pink and cream hounds tooth skirt from Banana Republic, a fall jacket for Livs and a gorgeous princess dress up for (me) j/k. It was for Livs.

Oh and I am trying to play around with Photobucket because you can apparently post bigger better pictures with it. I am still having issues. Any tips?

Adoration

I commented on my sisters blog that I do what I can to maintain my children's adoration of me. For example, Carter has a friend who claims to have "Deep Thoughts." Well anyone who grew up in the 90s knows that Jack Handy is the original deep thinker and so I tell Carter that his friend is nothing but a plagerizer (how do you like that for a made up word). And I then tell Carter how cool I was to have been around when those Deep Thoughts were first coined. See. Adoration maintained.

With the upcoming school year fast approaching (for us it is Wednesday Aug 19!!!!) I have a son in Jr. High, one in 3rd and a pre-schooler. All of which will be away from me part or all of the day. Thus I will be competing for adoration with teachers. The archnemesis of mothers everywhere.

How can I compete. What with tap dancing, salmon egg hatching, big band playing, science experiment blowing up, story time and name tags on a desk. All of it new and exciting and nothing like what boring old mom does at home. She just makes us do chores and yells when the aren't done.

I don't stand a chance.

I guess a part of me will admit that I am glad my kids have always had an adoration for someone other than me. Someone who helps me open their eyes to the whole big world out there in a context outside of home. Someone who will take the time to raise black widows (Mr. Jeffs) and direct a play (Mrs. Barker) and tell a joke everyday (Miss Bird) and run a mile (Mr. Nichols) and hatch salmon eggs (Mr. Herbert).

Because the long and the short of it is I need these people and appreciate their help in educating my sons and daughter.

So good luck this year to all you teachers and students heading back to school. I will be anxiously awaiting for the sound of the bus as it drops my kiddos back on my doorstep, filled with knowledge and inspired to make a go of this great world.

I'll even share some adoration with you.

My lifeline

There are 2 things I cannot live without. The Internet and Diet Pepsi. And both were put to the test last weekend while the boys were away. Maybe that is why I spent so much time pondering my life which resulted in the last post.

Anyway, I had a resolve to quit drinking my 1-2 cans of Diet Pepsi for 2 reasons. First it is expensive up here. As much as $8 a 12-pack. Even Wal-Mart is about $5 a pack, regular price. Yikes! A good sale is 4 for $14. My vice was eating away at my food budget.

The second reason was that I have been reading how diet sodas may inhibit weight loss. So hey, why not give it a try.

I can't.

I love the bubbles, the pop of the tab, the sweet taste gliding down my throat cooling my senses. A quick reverie just for me to enjoy. It is a soothing mechanism, much like my daughter's blanket is to her. My crutch for getting through the day.

So when it went on sale for my 4/$14 I ran to the store and stocked up.

The second lifeline that was broken was when JaDee installed Explorer 8 onto our computer. Turns out it is not Facebook compatible. Are they in the dark ages? Doesn't Bill Gates have a Facebook page? Well he should because then he would know how important it is. I was without Bejeweled (OK probably a good thing given the time waster that it truly is) and I couldn't open pictures of my brother's hikes and I missed a chat with Sharon and lots of other things!!

So today I was proactive. I remembered my days at USU as a bona fide tech support (at least that what everyone assumed since I worked there and knew how to turn on the Internet conference classes). I remembered a student or 2 who swore by Mozilla Firefox as a web browser.

Today I installed it. Actually minutes ago and went right to FB to tell everyone that I was alive, just experiencing technical difficulties. I got the instant gratification of hearing back from 2 friends who "liked" that I was back. I felt loved.

And not quite so alone. That maybe I was part of the United States even though ABC morning weather does not put a little box for Alaska and Hawaii on the bottom of the screen. I have friends out there!

PS- would you all please tell my sister to call me! I have tried twice in the last day or so and her phone may be lost in the lawn again waiting to be run over by the mower.

While away...

JaDee took the boys on their annual father/son backpacking trip. They went 5 miles in to Symphony Lake on Thursday and came back Saturday. So it was just Olivia and mom for about 3 days. Even Champ went.


We did lots of laundry, ate lots of peaches, had corn on the cob for dinner [see From the Mouths of Babes in the right hand sidebar], went to the movie G-Force [save your money; I was desperate for entertainment by this point], walked Earthquake Park in search for the 2 moose I saw from the side of the road and ignored all of the other walkers' warnings that their were moose ahead. That was exactly what Olivia and I were after, but they had bedded down in the tall grass off the side of the trail by the time we got there. As much as I want to see moose, I am not about to kick one to get it to stand up.

It was weird. I mean, just having Champ gone was absence enough. I had no one to let out to pee. No one scratching at the garage door to be let in. I actually had to sweep up all the crumbs off the kitchen floor my self.

But having the boys gone left a hole in my "self." I don't know how to describe it. For three days something was missing. I was lonely, I guess. It lead me to contemplate what was missing. Was I really more defined by the presence of my children than I thought? I like to think of myself as the kind of mom with plenty of outside interests and a mind that can go beyond my children's needs and wants. But the emptiness I felt this weekend scared me. What was I going to do once the boys were on missions, off to college, married with their own kids and far away.

How must our own mothers have felt after we all left the nest? Do they live for our return visits home as I lived this Saturday afternoon, waiting for the sound of the van pulling up with the rest of my family?

It was a scary thought. Because as much as I do have outside interests, they are in fact on hold or at least on the bottom of the priority list right now. I do put their needs first. My to do lists involve getting their clothes washed, their dinner cooked, and their school supplies bought. If I have time I browse the library, practice my new knitting skill, or check out the local teaching jobs just to see what is out there. What will it truly be like to have them grown and I actually the time to pursue my life's ambitions?

And why does that thought scare me just a little. And what exactly were they again?

My one consolation is that JaDee will be there with me. We really are friends even though we often spend more time talking to each other on the phone while he is at work than when we are under the same roof. It will be nice to do some of the things we put on hold to have children. Like maybe that trip to Greece can happen once all the braces are paid for. Or to really have the house stay clean and the dishwasher might take longer than one meal to fill up.

In the mean time I am enjoying my kids. Olivia and Ethan are becoming quite good friends and play the most amazing imaginative games. Carter is absolutely hilarious and we have a great time together. I don't have to go anywhere with a diaper bag or worry about naps (except maybe my own). We are having grand adventures.

And for now I will keep it that way.

A Thank You note to the boys

Dear Carter and Ethan,

Thank you so much for teaching your sister to make farts on her arm with her mouth. It is so charming to hear that word come out of her mouth as she forces laughs and looks to you for approval. I also appreciate how she does not believe me when I tell her that blowing on her arm is called a "raspberry." Olivia obviously holds your wisdom on such matters in a higher regard than mine.

Thank you also for teaching her to burp and then shout "Good one!" when it is particularly loud. This is delightful at the dinner table, I'll have you know.

And back to passing gas, thank you for teaching her how to laugh at those to. And to shout "Incoming!" just prior to the act. Never mind that she usually shouts it about 3o seconds after the fact and then has to explain that she "just farted." With practice she should be able to warn us beforehand soon enough. I don't doubt you will continue in you vigilance in showing her the correct order. Furthermore, I am sure you will continue to teach her how appropriate it is to jump on the nearest family member when you pass gas and eventually how to light them on fire. I am so glad she no longer refers to them as "toots" and exclaims loudly amidst gales of laughter that "I farted!" Or better yet if she asks me, "Mom did you fart?" Again this is especially charming waiting in line at the grocery store or more recently in Church.

I am so glad I have such a fine example for Olivia to learn manners from. You certainly aren't leaving anything out.

Love

Mom

You want to talk about what?

It was that time of year again. You know ladies the yearly exam. I went to a women's center that does everything but deliver babies, and because I am out of that mode I like that they are not so focused on the cash crop of pregnancy that us non-preggo people get looked over. In fact my Dr. talked to me for over an hour about some of my on-going concerns and medical history before inviting me to the exam table.

In which the subject turned to the most unlikely of all topics.

Hitler and Nazi Germany.

Bet you never got that one with a side of speculum before.

It came about when during that ackward attempt to make small talk to distract the patient, she asked me if I had plans after my kids were all in school in 2 years. I told her I was a high school history teacher and hoped to maybe teach. Which then lead to how her husband likes to watch all those military documentaries about WWII on the History Channel which of course lead to an analysis on Hitler and his rise to power while examining my ovaries.

Of course it did.

Remember this?

Remember when I went on that backpacking trip with all my girls here in AK? Well Mrs. Mower and I are having such a busy summer that I haven't gotten the pictures from her. And since she was just made YW president and has 4 children younger than mine, I am going to direct you to a slide show she put together of our trip and posted on her blog, here.

Thanks Mrs. Mower!!