We did lots of laundry, ate lots of peaches, had corn on the cob for dinner [see From the Mouths of Babes in the right hand sidebar], went to the movie G-Force [save your money; I was desperate for entertainment by this point], walked Earthquake Park in search for the 2 moose I saw from the side of the road and ignored all of the other walkers' warnings that their were moose ahead. That was exactly what Olivia and I were after, but they had bedded down in the tall grass off the side of the trail by the time we got there. As much as I want to see moose, I am not about to kick one to get it to stand up.
It was weird. I mean, just having Champ gone was absence enough. I had no one to let out to pee. No one scratching at the garage door to be let in. I actually had to sweep up all the crumbs off the kitchen floor my self.
But having the boys gone left a hole in my "self." I don't know how to describe it. For three days something was missing. I was lonely, I guess. It lead me to contemplate what was missing. Was I really more defined by the presence of my children than I thought? I like to think of myself as the kind of mom with plenty of outside interests and a mind that can go beyond my children's needs and wants. But the emptiness I felt this weekend scared me. What was I going to do once the boys were on missions, off to college, married with their own kids and far away.
How must our own mothers have felt after we all left the nest? Do they live for our return visits home as I lived this Saturday afternoon, waiting for the sound of the van pulling up with the rest of my family?
It was a scary thought. Because as much as I do have outside interests, they are in fact on hold or at least on the bottom of the priority list right now. I do put their needs first. My to do lists involve getting their clothes washed, their dinner cooked, and their school supplies bought. If I have time I browse the library, practice my new knitting skill, or check out the local teaching jobs just to see what is out there. What will it truly be like to have them grown and I actually the time to pursue my life's ambitions?
And why does that thought scare me just a little. And what exactly were they again?
My one consolation is that JaDee will be there with me. We really are friends even though we often spend more time talking to each other on the phone while he is at work than when we are under the same roof. It will be nice to do some of the things we put on hold to have children. Like maybe that trip to Greece can happen once all the braces are paid for. Or to really have the house stay clean and the dishwasher might take longer than one meal to fill up.
In the mean time I am enjoying my kids. Olivia and Ethan are becoming quite good friends and play the most amazing imaginative games. Carter is absolutely hilarious and we have a great time together. I don't have to go anywhere with a diaper bag or worry about naps (except maybe my own). We are having grand adventures.
And for now I will keep it that way.
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3 comments:
I can totally relate to this post. I have often wondered the same thing. I also like to think of myself as a "balanced" mom with plenty of outside interests, but in reality I am a "full-time" mom and my world does revolve around my daughter. That will change eventually, whether I want it to or not. :)
Of course you'd feel empty when you have had someone in your life for 12years and then they leave. Just think how it will be when Carter's 18. Plus, it was probably weird going from 3 kids plus a dog down to just one. You probably felt like I do most days when I think "what should I do with myself while Brooke is sleeping?" I loved the corn comment by Olivia & can't believe she remembered that tractor ride. That is really cute.
I think when they ease their way out, one at a time, it's not so hard. And somehow those other interests do resurface. And just think, the kids leave, and then we move on to the grandparent stage, which I hear is an infinitely superior experience to the actual parenting. ;-)
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