After 25 years, finally an A-HA moment

I used to watch Oprah all the time. In fact for years and years I tuned in at 4 o'clock and watched every show. But as the kids got older and the shows got a little more, I guess you could say, "open" with their content, I couldn't leave it on during the day with them around.  And I thought Oprah got a little too "I know everything," in her attitude.

But I still tune in every now and then.  And the other day (like a few weeks ago maybe) I tuned in to the show where Terri Hatcher was on and she let cameras follow her around to get behind the glamor of her TV show and the effort it takes to make her look beautiful every day.

That was not my aha moment, although it was interesting.

Later in the show Oprah had an African American model I had never heard of before.  She had been popular long before I knew what a fashion model was but she told of her own coming to terms with "beautiful" as she grew older.  She told of how once on a golf course, not too long ago when she was working out 2-3 hours a day and was at her thinnest, she was approached from behind by a young man who was like, "Hey baby, you lookin' fine!" The retired model turned to the young man and when he saw her, he back peddled quickly, "I am so sorry, Ma'am! I didn't mean it!" She was not some young thing but a woman in her 50s.

The model said she had her own moment and wondered why in the world she was working so hard to look like a teenager!  All the time in the gym and denying calories to look like she did at 18? Why? It certainly wasn't to get hit on by the college boys at the golf course when she was old enough to be there mother.

That was my AHA moment.  Why was I lamenting the fact that I didn't look like a teenager any more? Why would I WANT to look like a teenager again? Why was I so hard on myself for getting back down to the weight I was in at least my 20s (since as a teenager I only weighed 100 lbs and that, I had realized a while ago, was ridiculous). 

Let me tell you it has been liberating!  I still workout, but I enjoy it more.  I eat, and don't feel guilty.  I look at myself and I don't see the 35 or so pounds in the almost 15 years of marriage anymore.  The bigger hips, the slightly softer stomach, the rounder face. I finally believe JaDee when he tells me I am not fat and that I look great.  I finally told myself, I do look great.  I am almost 35 and I can bike, ski, run, backpack, and lift suitcases! I feel great.  I finally work out because I want to not because I feel like I have too.

I finally stopped chasing after who I was 15 years ago. I finally started looking at myself  NOW!