How you know

One summer, a few years ago, Sherie and I were at the Perry 4th of July Softball tournament.  I am sure we went for the Perry Ice snow cones more than the actual game, but while I was there I had a revelation.

Olivia was about 20 months old.   I had left her home with JaDee and the boys to go with Sherie to the snow cone..er.. Softball tournament.   Much of the rest of the town was there and Sherie ran into someone she knew who was showing off the latest grand baby.  The baby was tiny, just brand new and congratulations were passed along and we headed up to our seats in the bleachers to gossip...I mean watch the great Softball Tournament.

The new grandma took her latest bundle of joy down to the seats several rows in front of us.  I leaned over to Sherie and said, "You know, when I see a cute little baby like that, and they are all tiny, and scrunched up and sweet, it makes me want-----TO VOMIT!"

That was how I knew I was done having babies.

Further confirmations came to me when Olivia was 3 and my friend Ranae had a baby.  She delivered in the same hospital I did and as I was buzzed into the maternity ward I seriously almost turned around and left.  I came this close (imagine me holding my fingers a mere half inch apart) to leaving my gift at the nurses station and bolting for my life. I was having nightmares of being back in the same hall recovering from an eventless, easy birth.  I knew again I was done.

I rarely hold anyone else's babies unless I am related to them.  And since I live in Alaska I don't get to do that very often.  In short, I know I am done.

Then on Sunday a couple came to church with their new twins.  In Sunday School they both started to squirm and fuss in their carriers and I had a familiar pang in my heart.  As the twins' mother reached down to cuddle one close, I could feel the comfort that the baby settled into as her arms cradled him.  I wistfully and even longingly remembered when that was my job too.

But Olivia is almost 5!  There is no way I am "baby hungry." In fact there are some very permanent reasons for me not to be baby hungry.  Permanent solutions we prayed about and are positive were the right thing for me, my health and our family. Why am I feeling the NEED to grab a baby?

Here is what I came up with as the answer to that question.  I may not want another baby, but I love being a mother.  And with bigger kids the ways to envelop my children in the comfort and safety of me have changed.  I no longer cradle them in a fuzzy blanket and feel their heartbeat and smell their smell.  I laugh at jokes, make special trips to video game stores, and help with homework.  I encourage talents, discourage bad feelings, and run out for secret treats at the gas station.  I come to games, watch plays, drive to early morning band and teach home pre-school.

It isn't as easy as it once was to provide this comfort. There are bullies and bad words and innocence lost (Ethan recently learned where babies came out of.   He thought they came from your belly button.  Oh and it was Olivia who told him the truth) and tears over bad grades and hard work and tough choices.  I can't make it all better by simply pulling them onto my lap and brushing my lips on their forehead anymore.

I was missing that simple time I had with my babies. That time when the world seemed to stop while I breathed in my baby's smell and marveled at that little mouth in the biggest of yawns.  I was so happy for the new mom that she got to be the comfort for her own babies and thankful for the divine responsibility I have to my own.

Even though its different now, it is essentially the same.