A weighty issue

THE LOVELL WALK FOR BRIDGER HAS BEEN CHANGED TO JUNE 13 AT 7 AM!!!

5 of the 6 Moncur kids and their families will be there (even us from Alaska)!

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My sister in law Cara posted about reverse anorexia. She hit the nail on the head with this one. Keep in mind Cara looks like Cameron Diaz and she NEVER wears makeup so I should hate her. Instead I love her and that sweet new baby Kate that I got to mug on over my Utah trip.

But the subject at hand is weight. The other day I asked JaDee if I was the same girl he married almost 13 years ago. He said the only thing different about me was that I tend to think/obsess with how I look. I agree. I do obsess more with how I look, but my ponderings have lead me to discover why.

13 years ago I was tiny. I am only 5 feet one half inch tall, so not even 5'1". The scales never topped 103 and I actually lost 7 pounds in the weeks leading up to our wedding because I was stressed. I could by anything off a rack at any store and never worried if it was going to look good because it always did. When I got pregnant with Carter 3 months after we were married, I knew I was not going to be one of those women who were never skinny again after a baby because I always ate and still stayed at my 103 lbs.

For example, at lunch all through high school my mother made my lunch. I ate it all. My tuna sandwich on homemade white bread, apple, carrots, homemade brownie/cookie. Then I went to the snack line at the cafeteria and picked up a cherry pie and a pint of whole milk. EVERY DAY I ate this.

So I got used to being the tiny one.

Back to Carter's pregnancy. I ate what I wanted and then gained 50 pounds. He was 9 pounds at birth and I went home with 25 pounds to lose.

I never lost the last 12.

Then with Ethan I was smarter and seriously at ice cream twice that entire pregnancy. I gained 40 pounds and it took 3 years and a huge amount of walking these gigantic hills in my neighborhood, but I lost all of it back to when I got pregnant with him. 115 if you are good at math.

Then Olivia. I was so good with here. It helped that sweets made me sick the entire time with her and I walked 3 miles 3 days a week right up to delivery. I had 8 pounds to lose with her and even wore my jeans 2 weeks after she was born.

Then I turned 30. And in the 3 years since Olivia was born I have not lost those last 8 pounds and in fact have gained 10. I work out. I watch what I eat, and I obsess.

Why do I obsess? (and any doubt you had about my obsession was erased by this lengthy description of every pound I have ever gained in the last decade). I think I know.

Mothers give everything. From the moment my feet hit the floor to the moment I o to bed at night I am living for someone else. Every mess I make in the kitchen is to provide food for someone. Then I clean it up. Every load of laundry is full of someone else's clothes. My dream car is a mini-van to cart other people around. My house decorating revolves around hiding toys, durable fabrics and traffic patterns in the carpet. I go on field trips to release salmon eggs and dissect cow eyes. I cook hot milk the "right way," hold a blanket the "right way," and play Groovy Girls the "right way."

I am at the very top of normal for my height, my BMI is fine, I have very low cholesterol and a great heart rate and blood pressure. I know I am healthy and I know I look fine. I know I bore 3 healthy children and should be proud of a little roundness. I know all of this.

But still why the obsession? Is it Hollywood? No. I hate self-serving, propaganda pushing, rhetoric talking people.

Is it the fact that my mom is heavy? Partly. I see how unhappy she has been with her extra pounds and vow to never get like that.

But mostly it is this: As a mother I have given huge portions of myself to 3 little people. While I still have a fairly good sense of "self" I still can't deny that I am lost to that person 13 years ago who was going to go to law school,/run for Senate,/be a college professor. Therefore the extra weight now is merely the physical embodiment of all that self sacrifice. It is a tangible disturbance to what I have really lost/given.

So now what. Would I do it all over again differently? Some days yes. Most days no. Are the 3 little people who depend on me for food, shelter, love, guidance, support, boundaries, values, lessons, and hope a good investment of my former energy, dreams, and goals? Yes.

Because if anything giving these little people such a huge part of my self and my life has taught me more than if I had just held onto it. I do think of others everywhere more, I am less self centered, more selfless, more adventurous, more courageous, more stalwart in my beliefs, more firm in my convictions, more adamant about education, and more devoted to the future. I listen more, and actually talk less. I stop before I speak and weigh each word carefully. I have a bigger world than the one that just revolves around me.

And it is a beautiful world.