My cousin Kolbi, wrote a post about being prepared for motherhood. It was really good. But when I started writing a comment to her it turned into an essay. I thought I would expand on that comment here in my own blog...
As a stay at home mom who never wanted to be one, I have been at this now for 14 years. That is almost half my life really, when you think about it. Oh the first 7 years were really really hard. I thought I would go crazy with nothing to do but kids and mess after mess after mess. I hated it more than I loved it for sure. Like really hated it and got angry that this is what life dealt me. That this is what I chose and quite frankly I would like what was behind door number 2 or 3 or 4...
Then something clicked. I think it was school.
I cried sending Carter off to Kindergarten. I figured he would love his teacher as much or more than me and was insanely jealous of her sharing that pedestal with me. And he did put her up there with me, but as I got him on and off the bus every day I saw so much change in him. I loved that he was coming home with new ideas he was testing and new independence and confidence he was building. And by Christmas of that year my baby Carter was gone. Completely gone. Instead I had little boy Carter who would never be the same and continues in never being the same. They grow and change so fast.
While I missed and still sometimes do miss going to work and feeling fulfilled and feeling like I am contributing to society/the world/whatever, I have also learned that I don't multitask well. I have 3 different to do lists for each child already in my head. Sometimes those lists coincide (like dinner for all 3 usually is the same thing) but mostly each has different needs/wants/demands that need met each day. There is 3 different sets of homework, and after school activities, and campouts for scouts, and talks at church, and shoes that don't fit and dolls that need fixed and rooms that need painted and TV shows that need monitoring and video games and chores and all at different levels and constantly running through my head! Combine that with my own obligations to my church calling, my extended family (it takes a bit of work to keep in touch with everyone but that is a post for another day), and a list of things I want to do that I try to squeeze in. Oh and I do have a husband who is amazing at helping with all the daily mechanics of things (he is a whiz at dishes and folding laundry) but he has his own schedule and needs (no not always those kinds, but even that is still on the TO DO LIST!).
Can I even think of working and adding yet another list to bounce around this brain of mine?
When the kids go to school I am so glad that I am home when they are sick. I am so glad JaDee and I do not have to have the "whose work is more important not to miss" exchange when someone wakes up with a fever. I am so glad I volunteered at the school not because I liked listening to 25 kindergartners read the same story to me over and over again (MIND NUMBING) but because it gave me leverage with the principal when I needed to get my kids into the good teacher's classroom, or to get the teacher to meet the needs of my kid when I actually see what is going on in her classroom. Because nothing brings out momma bear in me more than a crappy teacher or a crappy situation at school and I like to know what is going on with my kids for 6 hours a day. Plus I go on field trips and get to know the friends and the friends' moms too (again, I can think of a thousand different ways I would rather spend my days most of the time, who really wants to go dissect cow eyes).
(I recently found an ally in one of Carter's friend's mom who agrees with me that Xbox live is nothing we need in our home. This was while the 5-6 boys he hangs out with at school were sharing with us some of the funny things that have happened while talking to strangers on-line in these games and one of the boys admitted to being propositioned by a man who claimed to only be dressed in butter).
So glad I went on that field trip!
It is a huge amount of work to stay home. I know Kolbi did not even begin to hint that staying at home was not work, and I know she knows I end every day as exhausted as she does, but all in all I am glad I chose to stay home. I am glad I chose to put the bulk of my effort into my own family. With any job there is crap to put up with. It may be a co-worker or a project or a boss. But at least I can say at the end of the day, I actually LOVE the people I work for. I may not always love what I do, but I love who they are and I like to think that my efforts are what they need to be better people.
A recent exchange with one of my boys has lead to them being more and more aware of what it takes to raise them and as a result, they are ever more grateful too.
"What! I didn't get a Slurpee! How come she gets a Slurpee and I don't" You would have thought I took Olivia to Disney World without them the way they carried on.
"Well," I answer slowly. "Olivia got to come with me to Costco for 2 hours to buy groceries, since we were completely out. Then waited in line with me at the post office while I picked up a package that happened to be the boots I had to order you. Then we washed the car since it was filthy and you were yelling about how the road slime got on your church pants, which we washed by the way and have them hanging in your room. And before we came to pick you up from school, I saw I was out of gas and Olivia never got lunch, so we went in and got a granola bar and a Slurpee before picking you up. I think she deserves a Slurpee."
"Oh." Is all they can say. And ever since that exchange, and a few others like it, I get great big hugs from the boys who tell me thanks for coming to get them when they are sick. Thanks for this delicious dinner (tuna fish casserole?? who knew they were so easy to please?). Thanks for buying my science fair plants (that is on today's list) while I am at school because I have a campout tonight.
Those thanks are cool.
So in the end, the mindless days of Elmo, and figuring out what the heck I am going to do with this toddler until dad comes home, and being a nap-Nazi just so I can hear my own thoughts for 60 minutes, have paid off. I have worked hard and I still work hard and there is always more work to be done.
And I will be here to do it.
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5 comments:
Thank you for being so candid....I recently read a post by a HS friend and she made the comment that she "didn't want someone else raising her children...." It bothered me because I don't feel like our nanny is "raising" Ryker. She certainly contributes to his upbringing, but I still call the shots and he still wants me at the end of the day. I feel that working moms often get a bad stigma in our Mormon culture - which I sometimes want to offer the suggestion that they go to work 10 hours, 4 days a week, come home and do all the household duties and still be the mom. It's hard...but it is my choice. And they have theirs. But dare I say that staying at home for me is even harder....? I strongly feel that we all do what is best for ourselves and our families. No way is right or wrong. And for now I think Pam (our nanny) is an angel for our family...just another person to love our babe.
I'm glad to hear that your boys are recognizing the work it takes to keep your home running. One day they'll fully realize how awesome their mom is :) Love ya!
I loved this post! Its one you should submit to one of those guest blogs one day when they want a view on being a stay-at-home mom.
Thanks Nicole. Just what I needed today! I love the way you are able to out into words what's all muddled in my head!
I totally ditto Kolbi's comment. Everyone is different and you have to do what you think is best. I put it up there on the same level as deciding how many kids to have, or when to stop having kids. It's no one's business but you, your spouse, and the Lord. It's no one's right to judge--which unfortunately a lot of people do. I don't feel like I'm any less of a mother or Brooke doesn't get as much love because I work. Going back to work was a hard decision because I felt so selfish for needing an "out". Why couldn't being a SAHM fulfill all my desires? I can't answer that. Maybe someday it will.
I just love hearing about your days.......I remember vividly the exhaustion and overwhelming emotion at the end of the day when the math paper or some forgotton project was still in the works on the kitchen counter. One bit of advice.....always keep poster board on hand. Multiple colors and especially white. I've lived by this little rule and it certainly came in handy once again for my sophomore in high school just last month. After family home evening, when I think he is going to quietly saunter off to bed he informs me he needs to draw a quick poster of the Parthenon....What? I asked, the Parthenon......I scurried to the basement to find a single orange piece of poster board only to spend the next two hours helping him scale, draw and color one of the Wonders of the World. And the next week it was a poster of castles and countrysides in Europe. My coloring skills are much improved.
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